Last week, after receiving the umpteenth “Obama is a secret Muslim/chain smoker/Communist/reverse racist/serial liar/anti-Christ” from my father - all of which are easily debunked via Snopes, which he claims to do before forwarding to all - I asked him not-so-nicely to please stop with the racist/sexist/homophobic emails already; and, while we’re at it, please to stop sending me anything even remotely political, as we clearly have radically different views, and I’m not even planning to vote Obama anywho, as he’s not progressive enough for my hippie socialist ass.

A few days later, this arrived in my inbox.

—– Original Message —–
To: Kelly Garbato
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 5:03 PM
Subject: FW: VIRUS WARNING!

—– Forwarded Message —-

Email Warning! -

If you get an e-mail with ‘Nude Photos of Sarah Palin’ in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with ‘Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton,’ do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

You know, the man has two daughters. I wonder if the thought even crosses his mind that this sort of misogynist garbage - i.e., that a woman’s worth lies solely in her fuckability - applies to us just as much as it does public figures such as Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin.

Oh, but wait, it’s just Hillary Clinton he has a problem with; I’m sure he doesn’t hate all women. And clearly this was meant as a compliment to the “lovely” Mrs. Palin; in fact, she should be flattered!

Not.

———————

Tagged: kiss my right buttock hillary clinton sarah palin my right wing dad misogyny

Another piece of mass-forwarded spam from the godbag wing of my family, for levity’s sake.

Am I a douchebag for laughing at this, or a total douchebag for laughing at this? Or maybe I’m The World’s Biggest Douche?

Wevs. Can my miracle be a Kucinich win, please?

—–Original Message—–
Subject: FW: Fw: The Brick

I know some of you may have read this before, but it is worth the read again.

The Brick!!! Read It. Read this today and don’t delete it if you are too busy!! You’ll see.

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down

when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag’s side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver

then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against

(More below the fold…)

Oh, Freecycle. You have been the source of many treasures: a reused corkboard bulletin board; extra blankets for the dogs; a poker table, even. But you’ve also brought me untold amounts of right-wing mass forwards, such as the sexist, white het dude-o-centric hate mail below. From someone calling himself “biggdog”, at that! Please, I beg of you, grant us lowly moderators the ability to curse such unabashed, netiquette-deficient fuckwads to an eternity in Freecycle purgatory. Or at least give us permission to add these douches to our own liberal mass forward list.

Note to biggdog: If by chance we do ever meet on the highway, you with a flat tire and me with my liberal haughtiness, I will indeed give you the finger and speed off, kicking up dirt in your (no doubt) ugly mug (which is mostly certainly framed by an even uglier mullet). There was a time when I’d actually lend you use of my cell phone, but no more; after all, I’d hate to disappoint by not living up to the stereotypes you have of me.

Oh, and by the way: if you want to rate the left and right in terms of who screws more people over, Republicans take the cake on that one. Republican economic and social policy benefit the very few at the expense of the very many, while Democrats “screw” the top few rich white het xian menz at the expense of, well, everyone (and everything) else on the planet. Since you’re on Freecycle, asking for toys for your kids, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re a member of the dirty masses, whether you’d like to admit it or not. Amazing how those “tolerant” Republicans gotcha working against your own self-interests, no?

I bet they wouldn’t even stop and lend you their driver to help you fix your flat. Mix that with your tobacco and chew on it.

—– Original Message —–
Sent: Thursday, March 20, 2008 10:38 AM
Subject: Flat Tire

I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew
out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and
get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He
yelled out the window, ‘Need a lift?’ ‘Yes, I sure
do,’ I replied. ‘You a Republican or Democrat,’ asked
the old man. ‘Republican,’ I replied. ‘Well, you can
just go to Hell,’ yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked
me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer,
‘Republican.’ The driver gave me the finger and drove
off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I
should change my strategy, since this area seemed to
be overly political and there appeared to be few
Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a
beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if
I was a Republican or Democrat. ‘Democrat!’, I
shouted. ‘Hop in!’, replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at
the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind
blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short
skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her
thighs. Finally, I yelled, ‘Please stop the car.’
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as
the car stopped, I jumped out. ‘What’s the matter?’,
she asked.

‘I can’t take it anymore,’ I replied. ‘I’ve only been
a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to
screw somebody.’

——————————-

Tagged: email forward email forward joke sexist republican democrat liberal conservative partisan bullshit kiss my right buttock mass email mass forward dudez

Pity the poor Pastafarian, whose heathen inbox is bombarded daily with conservative spam chain mail, sent by a goading right wing father, an assortment of Born Again relatives, and +/-10,000 obnoxious fundie Freecyclers!* The mass forwards have become so massive - and so massively annoying - that your featherhead has started to respond with her own snarky commentary. In order to share the lolz (and because My Right Wing Dad hasn’t yet reprinted a different forward I forwarded them), behold my new red state spam series, kiss my right buttock.

So named because this is exactly what you should tell the next fuckwit who dares intrude on your secular-liberal-progressive space with such bigoted, sexist, racist, xenophobic, godbagging garbage. Right after debunking their paranoid neocon rants, of course. Most likely with a simple link to Snopes.com. (Saucy sweet FSM, it’s like they’ve never heard of teh Google!) Copied to every other mofo address that received the fucktardery, for extra embarrassment and/or impact.

The inaugural forward hails from - who else? - dear old Dad. My reply follows. I should probably note that I chose two cases of animal abuse to refute this retarded idiotic** forward not because I couldn’t find any instances of human rights violations, but, since I focus primarily on animal rights issues, these were the two cases that came immediately to mind. Plus, I knew that my father would be less likely to dismiss it as a liberal conspiracy, and/or claim that the bitchez r crazy/asking for it, since 1) there’s video of the abuse and 2) being a fellow vegetarian, I thought it less likely that he’d blame a dog for his abuse than a woman. Yeah, you don’t have to tell me how wrong that is. Not because the dog’s getting too much respect in this scenario, mind you; it’s just that the libruls/wimmins isn’t.

Names deleted to protect the stoopid.

* I’m one of seven moderators for a large Freecycle group. 10,000+ members, half of which are clueless when it comes to proper email etiquette. A good quarter are unaware of the significance of “BCC” vs. “CC” and “Forward to all”. Damn you, mooching masses!

** UPDATE, 9/29/08: Did I seriously fooking write this not a year ago? I apologize a million times over, there’s no excuse for ableist slurs. I have no idea what I was thinking. Well, clearly I wasn’t. *ahem*

(More below the fold…)