May your holiday be bright and shiny,
and your ‘verse, filled with shindigs and thrilling heroics.
- Kaylee and Jayne
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Happy holidays, y’all! As I said the other day, I’ve been dying to do some holiday cosplay with Kaylee and Jayne ever since we adopted them five years ago, and this year I finally got to it! I decorated the entire tree with pirates in their honor (The crew of Serenity? Space pirates! Totally relevant to Pastafarianism, since doctrine holds that the decline in pirates is correlated with global warming – and thus in order to avert the apocalypse, we have to bring back piracy. Check and mate.), which was no small feat seeing as I made most of the ornaments by hand over a two-month period. I also hired someone to custom-make Kaylee Frye and Jayne Cobb outfits way back in August. Oh, the planning that went into this holiday card!

Unfortunately, my seamstress totally flaked, leaving me to cobble together costumes from off-the-rack pieces at the last minute. Instead of a green mechanic’s jumpsuit and floral blouse, Kaylee is wearing her shindig dress – that is, a Cotton Candy Dog Dress by East Side Collection. And while Jayne isn’t sporting a trademark brown Jayne Cobb ringer tee, she does look pretty badass in a green army jacket – really an Army Green Utility Jacket by Zack & Zoey.

Of course, the Jayne hat is the star of the ensemble; I actually had three custom-made for me by two different etsians: Sam’s Crochet (that would be the adorably floppy, Rasta-style hat Jayne and Peedee are wearing) and Whitaker Knits (the smaller hats with the orange tie, as seen on Ralphie and O-Ren, below). Rounding out Jayne’s look is a Browncoats logo pin I scored on Amazon. (It’s on her chest and not clearly visible in all the photos.) I also picked up some cute ID badges on eBay, but couldn’t find a place for them in the final outfits. Instead, they became ornaments for the tree.

Here’s a little character collage I put together for my family, who are not Firefly fans (THE HORRA!) and thus didn’t get the reference. Side-by-side comparison time! How do you think I did?

All’s shiny that ends shiny, I say.

Outtakes and extras after the jump!

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This year I’d really hoped to do a “31 Days of CriFSMas” series. There was to be tutorials for making ornaments by hand, decorating tips, diy greeting card ideas, menu suggestions – even a list of festive viewing options. (Actually, I’ve planned on doing this for several years now, but veganmofo always leaves me exhausted and burnt out.) This year seemed an especially opportune time, seeing as I’ve been planning it since July and created many of the ornaments on the tree from scratch. But since time cannot be rewritten – that is, unless you are a Timelord or happen to know one – I’ll just have to cram it all into one ginormous megapost. Sound good?

The Pirate Tree

What better place to start than the tree? Whereas in years past I’ve gone heavy on the pasta-themed ornaments, this year I decided to do a full-on pirate theme – with a special focus on Firefly. Space pirates are totally relevant when you’re a Pastafarian, yo! Also when you’re the guardian of two dogs who are named after characters on the show! I’ve been dying to do some holiday cosplay with Kaylee and Jayne ever since we adopted them five years ago, but this year I actually took the initiative and did it! (Hence the early planning.) I’ll post photos of the dogs later this week, but suffice to say that their costumes directly influenced the look of the tree. Since I’ve never done a pirate tree before, almost all of the ornaments and decorations are new this season.

The decorations are mix of re-purposed items (pirate toys from the Dollar Store; some cool and inexpensive pirate and nautical wood party favors from Jo-Anne Fabric; glass bottles that look as though they might hold messages from castaways, also from J-Anne Fabric; “gold” skull & crossbones metal charms found on eBay), Firefly merch (ID badges for Kaylee Frye and Jayne Cobb; a Serenity keychain), and diy ornaments made by gluing pirate stickers and photos onto bottle caps and card stock.

It’s this last group that I wanted to make a tutorial for but really, it’s all very simple. Throughout the summer I saved up whatever bottle caps and lids I could (the flatter, the better) and when I had a pretty good collection going, I laid them all out on the floor of the barn (on top of a drop cloth, natch) and spray-painted them black. Since you’re likely to have collected lids made of variety of materials – plastic and metal, mostly – make sure you buy a spray paint that’s suitable for each.

Then hit the internets and gather up as many pirate-y pictures as you can: google Firefly/Serenity (the art produced by this fandom is both plentiful and delightful!), Pirates of the Caribbean, pirate Amy Pond, women pirates (girl power!), etc. (Though that last search term turns up some rather depressing results. To cut down on the number of sexy pirates, search for historical woman pirates. You won’t get many results, but the hits you do get will be awesome!) Next, resize ‘em so that the portions of the photos that you’d like to use are similar in size to your caps and lids, then copy and paste them onto 4×6, 5×7, and/or 8×10 canvases (depending on the size, you’ll be able to fit between one and five images on each), and either print them up at home or order them online at Sam’s Club or similar.

The hardest part is cutting the images to fit snugly inside the lids. Cutting a circle freehand is pretty much impossible, as I quickly learned. Instead, try to find a circular item – a cup or bottle, for example, or even another, slightly smaller lid – and use it to trace a circle on the image. Though still difficult, the guide will help you to cut a much rounder circle. (Just go slowly!) When done, simply glue the photo into the lid. (A heavy-duty, acid-free glue stick works well for this.)

If you can find circular stickers – I happened to have some 1.5″ round skull & crossbones stickers left over from last year – these are a nice option too. While they don’t offer a whole lot of variety, they do come pre-cut. Score!

For hanging, you can either glue a jump ring (used in jewelry making and available at craft stores) to the back of the lid or, if it’s made of plastic and thick enough, drill a small hole into the “lip” of the lid. Either way, string some curling ribbon or a pipe cleaner through the ring or hole to make a loop that can then be used to hang the ornament from the tree. (Curling ribbon is much easier to work with, imho.) We stuck with black to match the tree’s color scheme (namely, black and gold).

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The beauty of a made-up holiday? You can celebrate it any old damn time you want! Traditionally (as in, for the past four years), the husband and I have observed criFSMas on December 24th. Given that I spend much of Christmas Day proper on the phone with far-flung loved ones, it’s just more practical that way. My criFSMas lasagna and mozzarella sticks will wait for no one! (Don’t worry, plenty of food blogging forthcoming.)

For this year’s criFSMas cards, we decided to go with a “pasta and peace” theme. (We aim to put the PASTA back in PASTAfarian here at the Garbato-Brady house, yo! That, and my “domestic terrorist” idea didn’t quite pan out.) Because he’s had a rough year, Ralphie was the obvious choice of cover model. Not to mention, one eye? Totally fits with the pirate side of flying spaghetti monsterism. As per usual, I couldn’t resist creating “outtakes” for each of the dogs. They’re all just so freaking cute, you know? (Rhetorical question; you best say yes!)

The “official” 2010 Garbato-Brady criFSMas card.
- Ralphie -
Wishing you peace & pasta this holiday season!
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Because years spent on the internets have forever ruined my penmanship,
I design and print message labels to affix to the back of each card.
This year’s greeting reads:
Happy Holidays! With love (& lasagna),
The Garbato-Bradys:
Kelly, Shane, Peedee, O-Ren, Kaylee, Jayne, Ozzy & Ralphie
“you’ll shoot your eye out, kid,” the one-eyed cover dog
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Outtakes!
- Peedee -
May your plate overflow with compassion & campanelle.
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- O-Ren -
May love & lasagna warm your belly on a cold winter’s night.
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- Kaylee -
May your heart be filled with joy & gemelli, today and always.
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- Jayne -
May you find friendship & fusilli this criFSMas season!
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Whatever you celebrate, season’s greetings and wishes of peace from all of us to you and yours!

I’ll leave you with this Christmas Manger / Vegan Silent Night video from Bea Elliott. While I’m not exactly a religious person (in the understatement of the year), I find it a bittersweet description of the conflicting feelings I – and many vegans, no doubt – oftentimes experience around the holiday season.

Peace to all; and to all, a good life.

(Crossposted from.)

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domestic terraist bear is one of teh kewl girls.
Left to right: Kaylee, Jayne, O-Ren and the pirate-polar-vegan-terrorist criFSMas bear.
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Initially, I’d planned on doing a sort of “domestic terrorist” theme for this year’s holiday (read: criFSMas) cards, using the “domestic terrorist” apron from Green is the New Red as the centerpiece. (Product description: “‘Domestic.’ Terrorist. Get it? There’s nothing funny about the FBI labeling environmental and animal advocates the ‘number one domestic terrorism threat.’ But with the Feds attempting to infiltrate vegan potlucks, why not accessorize? [...] Happy ‘terrorizing’! But be careful in the kitchen. Did you know tofu makes you gay?” Vegan chefs are scary, yo! Also: my dog-kids consume a fair amount of tofu. Additionally, they are super-psyched about today’s repeal of DADT. Draw your own conclusions, mkay.)

While my idea was solid, its execution was not: the apron proved way too large for the dogs (which was to be expected, even though it looks super-tiny – not to mention satiny – on the model), so at first I tried putting it on our pirate polar bear.

I think you’ll agree that she looks super-snazzy in it

but she’s also, well, kind of a big girl. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you; she’s vegan and totes in shape. But it proved next to impossible to fit both her and a dog in the camera frame. And so I re-staged the set, hanging the apron from the tree and surrounding it with fake fruits and veggies and a vase filled with pasta-related kitchen utensils.

(Ignore the white fur on the black apron. Living with four white dogs and a mostly-white cat, it cannot be helped.)

Better, but once I went back and examined the photos on my computer monitor, I realized that the paddles looked really odd and stupid. Tremendously so. Plus, there was still a lot of floor and wall showing. Dislike.

So on day #2 of shooting, I ditched the setup and instead opted for a sea of book piles, coupled with a vase filled with angel hair pasta, and complemented with a sparkly “peace” ornament and baby flying spaghetti monster. The new theme? Peace and pasta.

That taste? Perfection!

Not wanting the domestic terrorist photos to go to waste, I decided to make a series of (VEGAN!) lol dogs out of them. And so I give you: domestic terraist doggehs! (And one kitteh, who barely sat still long enough for me to take three pictures of him. His caption is most fitting.)

title: lol ozzy – is a terror allright
caption: “domestic terraist kitteh” is a redundancy
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title: lol ralphie – thot u said petdown
caption: domestic terraist doggeh will take that patdown now, mkay
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title: lol peedee – go boom
caption: domestic terraist doggeh be a walkin’ thyme bomb
(idea shameless borrowed from a blog of the same name)
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title: lol rennie – be happy 2 show u her mitts
caption: domestic terraist doggeh be hostin a v-gun potluck next week
(u bring teh loaded taters kay?)
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title: lol kaylee – kills wit spiceness
caption: domestic terraist doggeh is about 2 es’splode ur taste budz
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title: lol jayne – is be busted
caption: domestic terraist doggeh pleads deh lish
(hint: if you don’t get it, sound it out loud!)
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In many ways, I think I like this series better than the “real” card I ended up with (and the outtakes I made for each dog; yes, I’ve been a busy bee). But hey, there’s always next year. Well, not really. I’ve already got plans for 2011, and they involve Kaylee, Jayne and Joss Fucking Whedon. (One hint: SPACE PIRATES!) 2012, perhaps. I’m sure the theme will still be relevant then, unfortunately.

(Crossposted from V for Vegan.)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: googly eyes make everything awesomer. Everything.*

* Which begs the obvious question: why didn’t I think to glue a googly eye on Ralphie’s sewn-up eye socket for our criFSMas card photo shoot? Ah well, there’s always next year.

Even though I rarely blog here anymore – V for Vegan is my main space now – I’d planned on posting a few more FSMas tutorials in the days leading up to December 25th. Alas, exhaustion and burnout from veganmofo iv, coupled with the foolhardy decision to make many of my gifts by hand this year, have pretty much blown that plan out of the water. (Oh, the boiling, pasta-filled water. FSMas NOM!)

But seeing as I’ve already taken and uploaded a number of photos, it’d be a shame not to at least throw up a photo essay. So here’s a sampling of this year’s decorations. You can view the entire set on Flickr, along with those from years past. The dogs’ annual criFSMas humiliation is forthcoming – they deserve their own post, dontchathink?

The “pirate altar” in our front window features a mix of relevant books, framed flying spaghetti monster photos, pirate accessories, pasta decor, gold tinsel and doubloons, and sparkly flying spaghetti monsters.
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A closer look at book collection #1, which consists of vegan/vegetarian/Italian cookbooks (including Cathe Olson’s Lick It!, which I snagged in a veganmofo contest) and – of course – a copy of The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
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Today I’m participating in Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, albeit not without some reservations.

Originally conceived by cartoonist Molly Norris (who later disassociated herself from the event), Everybody Draw Mohammed Day began as protest against Comedy Central’s self-censorship of the South Park episode 201, which included depictions of and references to the prophet Mohammed. (Reportedly, the episode is not airing in reruns – which would explain why my DVR recorded the wrong episode at the 12:00 hour – nor is it available on Comedy Central’s website.) Nevertheless, the episode resulted in thinly veiled death threats against South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone on the website Revolution Muslim.

As envisioned by Norris, Everybody Draw Mohammed Day is a means of standing up for freedom of expression (and showing solidarity with Parker and Stone) by “watering down the pool of targets.” This is to say, it’s easier to silence one voice, or two or twenty; an international chorus, not so much. Rather than being anti-Muslim, Everybody Draw Mohammed Day is pro-free speech (ditto: pro-free though and pro-secularism, at least to me). And ethical consistency: “if you want to live in a Western society and use the system to protect your rights [attn: Revolution Muslim], you have to be willing to allow others to have theirs as well,” explained Mimi, one of many event organizers. All of which this heathen vegan feminist is totally down with.

Unfortunately (though unsurprisingly), many of the submissions I’ve seen on Facebook and elsewhere are not just anti-Muslim, but also virulently racist, as well as sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, sizeist, speciesist, and the like. Common themes include Mohammed’s head Photoshopped onto the body of a nude/semi-nude woman (women’s sexuality is gross!); Mohammed’s head Photoshopped onto an obese woman’s body (fat women are gross!); Mohammed engaged in various sexual acts with another man (dude, gay!); and Mohammed raping nonhuman animals (appropriating animal suffering, yay!), to name but a few.

Unoriginal and juvenile, yes, but even more so, these images manage to mock and ridicule people instead of ideas, and largely for irrelevant personal characteristics, at that. Just as I abhor this sort of behavior when it comes from those in the animal rights movement, neither do I condone racism, sexism, etc. when employed in defense of the First Amendment. You can poke fun at and criticize religion – even religious fundamentalists – without denigrating entire groups of people, particularly those who already bear the brunt of discrimination and prejudice. I sincerely hope that my eleven submissions (none of them actual drawings; I could hardly draw a stick figure to save my life, and anyhow, the stick figure thing is played out) are a decent enough illustration of this.

Finally, I invite all participants to join the Center for Constitutional Rights, the ACLU and Amnesty International in supporting the civil and human rights of the millions of Muslims, Middle Easterners and people of color who have been marginalized and oppressed by the “War on Terror.” Likewise, if you’re a member of the Facebook group Everybody Draw Mohammed Day!, please also join me in Time to Arrest the Pope.*

The bottom line? Don’t be a hater, mkay?

Now let the blasphemy commence!

First up is this riff on Dumb & Dumber, wherein Mohammed appears as Jim Carrey/Lloyd Christmas and Jesus manifests as Jeff Daniels/Harry Dunne (so chosen solely because of his hippie stoner haircut).

“I’m with Mohammed”:
Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, dressed as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne from the movie Dumb & Dumber, stand side by side, arms slung around one another’s shoulders. Their t-shirts read “I’m with Jesus” and “I’m with Mohammed,” respectively.
(Original image taken from the film’s soundtrack.)
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The message? Religious pissing matches are a waste of time; in the end, there are no winners, and all participants are equally dumb, yo! So just grab a doobie and let’s all just get along, kay? (For what it’s worth, I absolutely loathe this movie.)

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Okay, so I never did get around to doing any FSMas blogging this year, but in my defense, I didn’t do much decorating, either. Or rather, I didn’t make any new decorations; I just make do with last’s years arts and crafts. Which is all fine and good, as I’ve gathered quite the collection of FSMas ornaments to date.

I did, however, get my FSMas cards done and out in a timely manner – so much so that I had plenty of time to make some outtakes, too.

While every dog-kid got his or her due in 2009, Ralphie & Rennie took center stage: they were our cover-doggies, complete with a fierce “Booty & The Beast” theme. I’ll let y’all figure out who is supposed to be “Booty” and who is “The Beast.”

Ignore the glaring age disparity, mkay? Normally I don’t like pairing a young little lassie with a much older gent – seeing as how it’s a reflection of our sexist societal norms – but there’s, like, zero chemistry between the two oldest dogs, Kaylee and Ralphie. Seriously, I could not get the two to sit next to one another for more than 30 seconds at a time. And yes, I might have bucked the hetero trend with a same-sex pairing, but I thought that might have come off as homophobic and/or mockingly emasculating, given the theme. (Yes, holidays are political for me; what of it?)

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It was a year ago today that Shadow, my adopted canine sister and sweet pit bull friend, passed away. I cried for her – for me – often in those first weeks, and even now, it’s hard to type (delete, retype, rinse, repeat) through the tears. The pain has eased considerably with the passage of time, but will never completely disappear. Rather, Shadow has taken her place besides Bucky and Cap, Shannon and Shana, Pokey, Woody, Henry, Hooks I-III, Moe, Larry and Curly, and all the other nonhuman animals I befriended – and whose losses I grieved – during my youth. You may be one year buried, dear Shadow, but I will always carry you in my heart.

One day you’ll be joined by your friend Ralphie, as well as all your other canine cousins: those who you’ve met, and those you’ve yet to meet. When that day comes – and whenever it comes, it will be much, much too soon – please greet him with lots of sloppy kisses. Because as difficult as your passing has been, I’m afraid it’s only been a practice run; the real pain is yet to come. When Ralphie leaves me, he’s going rip my heart in two. Whatever pieces he leaves behind, will be Peedee’s, O-Ren’s, Kaylee’s and (yes, even) Jayne’s to consume. And yet, my heart will forever be a dog’s – some dog’s – to tear.

I miss you something awful, girl. Stay sweet.

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