What be your pirate name, matey?

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Tagged: pirates fsm flying spaghetti monster

Molested by pasghetti…the Pastafarian equivalent of a Catholic Church scandal?

Well, FSMas has come and gone, and I never quite got around to blogging all of the decorations I made. Or making all the decorations I’d wanted to, for that matter (lasagna house, where art thou?!). There’s always next year - and I promise to start earlier, since our festivities will actually be planned in advance. Shane’s already drawing up specs for a motorized pirate ship!

Given that 2008 is dubya’s last year in office (theoretically, at least), the liberal bloggers are all aflutter with hope and optimism and all that fluffy stuff. But not this featherhead. Oh, no. Especially not after the past few weeks’ election coverage.

(More below the fold…)

Yeah, it’s only the 24th. But the beauty of celebrating a made-up holiday is that you can celebrate it any mofo day you want!

Only one dog made the FSMas card this year, since we couldn’t get more than three together for any one shot. Outtakes after the jump.

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It’s just not FSMas without pirates, mate!

If you’re worshiping the noodles-n-balls this year, don’t forget your pirate gear. That means you’d better stock up on eye patches, bandannas, gold doubloons, triangle hats, gold garland, black flags, jugs o’ Captain Morgan’s rum, and other pirate booty.

Being the tree huggers we are, the Mr. and I erected a glittery pirate display in the front window. Fuck the Baby Jebus and his lame-o Nativity Scene - we’ve got ice sheets to save!

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No, seriously.

According to teh Wiki,

Idolatry is a major sin in the Abrahamic religions regarding image. It is usually defined as worship of any cult image, idea, or object, as opposed to the worship of a God. In religions where such activity is not considered as sin, the term “idolatry” itself is absent.

A search of the Church’s archives of saucy teachings turns up not even one instance of the word.

Hence, there are no false idols in these fantabulous macaroni-lined frames! Good thing, because I made them specifically to display His Noodliness’s visage this FSMas season.

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Coming to punish me - with a case o’ unholy heartburn, no doubt! - for my procrastination on the FSMas blogging front.

No worry! I should be finishing up the rest of my FSMas chores tonight - damn cards! - so blogging will resume shortly.

Until then, be touched.

RAmen.

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Tagged: holidays observances x-mas xmas christmas war on christmas fsmas flying spaghetti monster pastafarian pastafarianism religion spoof parody spoof religion parody religion godbags science Intelligent Design ID creationism pasta pirates his noodliness noodles balls diy crafts holiday crafts decorations holiday decorations flickr photos heartburn ghosts sightings fsm sightings fsm manifestations ghost of fsm past

Look! Pirate flags! On Amazon! For just $5!

If you don’t have a flagpole out front, like moi*

then you can always hang ‘em somewhere inside instead.

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OK, so this diy FSMas idea is so simple, it’s pretty much self-explanatory:

It’s a community bulletin board, baby!

Just buy (or make) a bulletin board, fill with FSM propaganda, and hang. Doesn’t get any easier than that.

Ours measures 2′x3′ and is made of cork with a wood frame. We requested - and actually received - ours on freecycle, but they don’t cost all that much at the store. Less still if you buy some cork board and frame it yourself.

The fliers are from www.venganza.org (click on over to materials). For an extra-collegiate vibe, print up at least one with flier with tear-off tabs - and tear a few off yourself. (Or, if you’re uber-anal like me, neatly cut the tabs with scissors and fold them down/up for a 3D effect.)

Bonus: This is one decoration you can leave up year-round, either with your FSM fliers, or rotating the artwork through the seasons/holidays.

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Tagged: holidays observances x-mas xmas christmas war on christmas fsmas flying spaghetti monster pastafarian pastafarianism religion spoof parody spoof religion parody religion godbags science Intelligent Design ID creationism pasta pirates his noodliness noodles balls diy crafts holiday crafts decorations holiday decorations flickr photos cork board bulletin board fliers flyers propaganda community bulletin board posters evangelical proselytize art shabby chic

After all, it is the great cooler which keeps His Noodliness’s remains fresh and edible. Kind of like Jesus’s tomb. Which would make your Tupperware the Shroud of Turin, I guess.

In semi-seriousness, decorating your fridge (or filing cabinet or whathaveyou) is a fairly simple FSMas project.

Assuming, of course, you have the following:

* A photo printer (or a few days to order out at Sam’s or similar);
* A laminator (or the gas for a trip to Kinko’s or whatnot); and
* A hawt glue gun (this one you simply must buy, since it’s a necessity for like 96.666% of the craft projects I’m blogging).

Just head on over to www.venganza.org - specifically, their graphics department - and download like crazy. (There’s also some great stuff on Flickr.) When you’re all right-clicked out, shrink your FSM bootay down to fridge size. Meaning, each photo should measure around 3-4″ at its widest/longest point. When you’re done, print your photos up, laminate them to keep the crud off (especially if they’re going on the fridge, source numero uno of crusty materials), and then hot glue magnets on the backs of each.

FYI: Make sure you stick with flat, even magnets, preferably the same size as the photos…uneven magnets sometimes show through.

Another idea is to reinvent new uses for old magnets; for example, I added some strategically placed pasta to make these lame Christian do-gooders into rockin’ FSMas angels:

And if you’ll click through to view a larger version of that first picture, you’ll see that I also glued teeny tiny pasta pieces to a set of small magnetic frames I already had sitting around. Pop in some photos of Johnny Depp, and you’re good to go!

But wait! Where to get these magical magnets, you ask?

Well, if you don’t currently have any laying around the house, you’ll probably have to invest in some. Wal-Mart and the box stores sell ‘em. You can even get magnetic strips that just peel and stick, if you’d rather forgo the glue gun.

But.

Better still, if you’ve had the foresight/pack-rattiness to hoard save all those crappy magnets that have been accumulating in your junk drawer over the past year. You know the ones: adverts for your local accountant/insurance salesman/auto mechanic/Pizza Hut/abortionist (OK, so I’m kidding on that last one…if only!) that swarm your mailbox, oftentimes in those useless ValuPak packets. Rather than chuck them, save and cherish these pieces of ferrite gold, for they will one day support His Noodliness as he hovers on your fridge, offering blessings and oregano (or blessings of oregano) at mealtime.

Or, you can try Freecycle or Cragslist. I scored a whole shitload off of my local KCF list last year.

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Tagged: holidays observances x-mas xmas christmas war on christmas fsmas flying spaghetti monster pastafarian pastafarianism religion spoof parody spoof religion parody religion godbags science Intelligent Design ID creationism pasta pirates his noodliness noodles balls diy crafts holiday crafts decorations holiday decorations flickr photos magnets fridge magnets refrigerator magnets Johnny Depp glue gun hot glue gun laminate laminator reduce reuse recycle fridge art

Does wanting to eat this pasta vagina make me bicurious?

Forgive the delay in posting the first of my FSMas Noodles-n-Balls decorating tips. I’ve been busy dressing my dogs up as pirates, getting them drunk on Captain Morgan’s Rum, and then snapping naughty pics under the FSMas tree. I’m sure you understand. And I’m doubly sure that this wondrous pasta vagina will more than make up for it.

You can create your own with a jumbo shell, a tomato fusilli, a piece of penne, a few inches of string, and a dollop of hot glue. Feminist perspective a plus.

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Tagged: holidays observances x-mas xmas christmas war on christmas fsmas flying spaghetti monster pastafarian pastafarianism religion spoof parody spoof religion parody religion godbags science Intelligent Design ID creationism pasta pirates his noodliness noodles balls diy crafts holiday crafts decorations holiday decorations flickr photos vagina feminism feminist x-mas tree fsmas tree ornaments

Jesus may be the reason…but His Noodliness makes it delicidoso!

Since the Mr. and I are atheists, we find it kinda hard to get into the Christmas spirit and all. But we love a party, and seeing as there aren’t really any big secular holidays to get excited about, we’ve been hesitant to scrap the idea of “x-mas” altogether. So we thought we might try celebrating His Noodliness instead of Santa and Rudolph. That’s right - it’s gonna be a Flying Spaghetti Monster-mas this year!

Now, you can’t exactly traipse into Wal-Mart and come out with a cart full of FSM decorations, so we’ve had to improvise.* Not easy, since we’re 1) starting from scratch and 2) not very crafty.** Even so, I think we done good.

We went shopping*** a few weeks before Tofurky Day, and came home with a fuckload of pipe cleaners, googly eyes, fake fruit, glue sticks, raffia, and string. Oh, and pasta. Can’t forget the pasta! (And if you happen to overbuy like we did, you can always eat the leftovers. Score!)

I started with the craft projects the day after t-day, and worked through the weekend. It takes way longer to string together penne garland and craft glittery Flying Spaghetti Monsters than you’d think. I didn’t get to actually put up the decorations until earlier this week, but that was a piece o’ cannoli compared to making them. We still have some odds and ends to take care of, but I’m almost ready to call it al dente.

Given all the work that’s went into my carbolicious masterpiece, it’d be a shame not to share. So stay tuned for future FSMas posts (they even have their very own category for easy browsing!). I was gonna do a whole “twelve days of FSMas” thing, but I’m not sure I can eke out twelve distinct decorating ideas. Instead, I’ll post ‘em here and there as time allows. If you’re hungering to see what I’ve come up with, I just uploaded a ton of FSMas pics to Flickr. Check out the set here.

Till then, I’ll leave you with my x-mas card from 2005, which set this whole thing in motion. That, and my anti-theist/pro-pasta agenda.

FYI, diy instructions for the card:

1) Start with this photo and a copy of Photoshop;

2) Copy and paste in some x-mas clip art for the holly codpiece and Santa hat, then transform to scale;

3) Replace the black border with a red one;

4) Apply a red photo filter;

5) Type in your oh-so-clever title and FSMas greeting (I used the font “A Yummy Apology”);

6) Send to friends, relatives, and those right-wing wankers who clutter your inbox with urban legend forwards.

* OK, so that’s only half true. I’ve been able to re-purpose some traditional (but secular) x-mas decorations to fir my pasta-n-pirates theme. For example, red and gold garland have great crossover potential, since they’re the colors of red pasghetti sauce and gold doubloons.

*** The Dollar Store is a goldmine for craft supplies. FSM booty galore!

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Tagged: holidays observances x-mas xmas christmas war on christmas fsmas flying spaghetti monster pastafarian pastafarianism religion spoof parody spoof religion parody religion godbags science Intelligent Design ID creationism pasta pirates his noodliness noodles balls diy crafts holiday crafts decorations holiday decorations flickr photos cards holiday cards

Doing my part to wage war on Christmas…

Click here for a supersized plate of sacrilicious holiday wishes!

- K

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-12-10/
Filed under: Religion, Holidays & Observances — Kelly @ December 10, 2005 6:24 pm