Via PZ, I found a link to GOD’s new blog, Stuff God Hates. It’s kind of like Stuff White People Like but, um, funnier. God hates everything, you see, even though He created damn near all of it.

The reason I prefer SGH over SWPL? Well, as other veg*ns have already complained, SWPL reinforces the stereotypes that veg*nism - or, more simply, giving a flying fuck about creatures other than yourself - is a white thing. As if no veg*ns are persons of color, and veg*n diets may only consist of uber-expensive faux meat products. (Beans and rice, anyone?) See, for example, here, here and here. God, on the other paw, hates us all. His ghostwriter (because, let’s be honest, ain’t no way God has time to blog) also seems to be more consistently satirical than the white dude over at SWPL.

Just look at God’s full list of dislikes to date:

#22 St. Patrick’s Cathedral
#21 Asia
#20 Cats
#19 Nine-Eleven Conspiracy Theorists
#18 Dancing
#17 Snitches
#16 Dick Franing
#15 Science
#14 American Idol
#13 Cops
#12 Blasphemy
#11 Being Crucified
#10 Hillary Clinton
#9 The Pope-Mobile
#8 Anal
#7 Women
#6 ‘The Virgin’ Mary
#5 Onions on Pizza
#4 Patrick Swayze
#3 Foreskins
#2 Africa
#1 Desperate People Begging For Help

That’s a pretty varied list. Blasphemy’s to be expected, but “Desperate People Begging For Help” and “St. Patrick’s Cathedral”? God’s an insufferable asshole, yo!

In all seriousness, many of these directly poke fun at the Bible; the entry on Blasphemy, for instance, mocks the idea of an omnipotent God with a painfully fragile ego:

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

And don’t even get him started on science:

Facts, evidence, hypotheses - BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom. [...]

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Much of His wrath is reserved for women, which is perfectly fitting for the author of such a misogynist book:

But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!

And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.

I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.

But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.

SLUT! I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Given that Hillary Clinton is also a woman, it stands to reason that God hates her too. She’s #10 on His list, as a matter o’ fact:

On this primary Tuesday, I’d like to take some time from My busy schedule of rigging the election to talk about someone I hate with a passion – Hillary Clinton.

Why do I hate her so much? I don’t know. Not really sure. Just something about her I don’t like I guess.

Maybe it’s because she’s a woman. That’s a big strike against her already because as I discussed last week, I, the Lord your God, hold an eternal grudge against women.

Or maybe it’s her wrinkly, disgusting face. Or the way her eyes bulge out of her head when she gets angry. Or her incredible fat ass.

Or it could be because she’s so fake. Or because she’s such a conniving bitch. Then again, maybe I hate her because her domestic policies are so full of flaws.

Well, whatever the reason, I hate the fat pig and she’s going right back to hell when I let her die. But not before I have some more fun with her while she’s still on Earth.

Oh, I’ve already arranged to have her remembered for all time as the most famous cheated-on wife ever. But I have even more in store for Hillary.

I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure she loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.

This outrage will drive her crazy for the rest of her life. And I’m going to let her live till the age of 103! They’ll still be making Lewinsky jokes then.

Ouch. That one cut a little too close.

Fat ass joke? Check.

Wrinkly face joke? Check.

HAHA Bill cheated on her!!! joke? Check.

Overly ambitious woman joke? Check.

Claims of phoniness? Check.

Use of the word “bitch”? Check.

Unflattering accompanying photo that’s all the rage with sexist douchebag pundits? Check.

Unlike some of God’s other hates, I’m having trouble with Hillary. Is He lampooning the misogynist attacks on Hillary or succumbing to a few of them? He doesn’t explicitly counter the insults centered on her physical appearance. He does concede, “maybe I hate her because her domestic policies are so full of flaws,” but the slurs about her “fat ass” and “buggy eyes” still stand. And the comments thread sure doesn’t help matters any. It’s like God opened up the sexist floodgates - let the gender-based bile flow!

Maybe He could even the balance by adding John McCain and Barack Obama to the list? Age-based jokes are sure bet for McCain, but what do you think the chances are that He’d make race-based jokes for Obama? You think God would go there? Or is He more comfortable being an open misogynist than an open racist?

Either way, now that I’ve linked semi-disapprovingly to His Holiest of Blogs, I’m prepared to be smited. It’s even in my banner, eh!

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Tagged: stuff god hates stuff white people like hillary clinton barack obama 2008 elections misogyny racism religion godbags

This entry was posted on Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 10:27 am and is filed under bitches is crazy, godbags & infidels, indecision '08, race & ethnicity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.