Pity the poor Pastafarian, whose heathen inbox is bombarded daily with conservative spam chain mail, sent by a goading right wing father, an assortment of Born Again relatives, and +/-10,000 obnoxious fundie Freecyclers!* The mass forwards have become so massive – and so massively annoying – that your featherhead has started to respond with her own snarky commentary. In order to share the lolz (and because My Right Wing Dad hasn’t yet reprinted a different forward I forwarded them), behold my new red state spam series, kiss my right buttock.

So named because this is exactly what you should tell the next fuckwit who dares intrude on your secular-liberal-progressive space with such bigoted, sexist, racist, xenophobic, godbagging garbage. Right after debunking their paranoid neocon rants, of course. Most likely with a simple link to Snopes.com. (Saucy sweet FSM, it’s like they’ve never heard of teh Google!) Copied to every other mofo address that received the fucktardery, for extra embarrassment and/or impact.

The inaugural forward hails from – who else? – dear old Dad. My reply follows. I should probably note that I chose two cases of animal abuse to refute this retarded idiotic** forward not because I couldn’t find any instances of human rights violations, but, since I focus primarily on animal rights issues, these were the two cases that came immediately to mind. Plus, I knew that my father would be less likely to dismiss it as a liberal conspiracy, and/or claim that the bitchez r crazy/asking for it, since 1) there’s video of the abuse and 2) being a fellow vegetarian, I thought it less likely that he’d blame a dog for his abuse than a woman. Yeah, you don’t have to tell me how wrong that is. Not because the dog’s getting too much respect in this scenario, mind you; it’s just that the libruls/wimmins isn’t.

Names deleted to protect the stoopid.

* I’m one of seven moderators for a large Freecycle group. 10,000+ members, half of which are clueless when it comes to proper email etiquette. A good quarter are unaware of the significance of “BCC” vs. “CC” and “Forward to all”. Damn you, mooching masses!

** UPDATE, 9/29/08: Did I seriously fooking write this not a year ago? I apologize a million times over, there’s no excuse for ableist slurs. I have no idea what I was thinking. Well, clearly I wasn’t. *ahem*

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#9 on The BEAST’s 50 Most Loathsome People in America list, 2007 ed.? You.

Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

And you’ve come a long way, baby. You didn’t even make the top ten last year.

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Tagged: the beast loathsome people lists 2007

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: DawnWatch – news [at] dawnwatch.com
Date: Dec 25, 2007 3:02 PM
Subject: DawnWatch Animal News year end round-up — 2007

It’s Christmas morning. Before I shut down my computer until January 3, 2008, I will enjoy fulfilling what has become a DawnWatch tradition — a scan of the media stories of the year. Because I feel so blessed to do this work, Christmas morning seems the most perfect time to sum up a year of it.

For dogs, 2007 was the year of “fake fur” coats made from real dog fur, of the Menu pet food crisis, of celebrity pet store blunders, and the year of Michael Vick.

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Because I highly doubt that Jesus would approve of factory farming. Just sayin’.

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Tagged: x-mas xmas christmas fsmas ecard pcrm Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine vegan veganism vegetarian vegetarianism animals animal rights animal welfare meat

Yeah, it’s only the 24th. But the beauty of celebrating a made-up holiday is that you can celebrate it any mofo day you want!

Only one dog made the FSMas card this year, since we couldn’t get more than three together for any one shot. Outtakes after the jump.

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It’s just not FSMas without pirates, mate!

If you’re worshiping the noodles-n-balls this year, don’t forget your pirate gear. That means you’d better stock up on eye patches, bandannas, gold doubloons, triangle hats, gold garland, black flags, jugs o’ Captain Morgan’s rum, and other pirate booty.

Being the tree huggers we are, the Mr. and I erected a glittery pirate display in the front window. Fuck the Baby Jebus and his lame-o Nativity Scene – we’ve got ice sheets to save!

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Another x-mas favorite. Although, I much prefer Fiona Apple’s version. But alas, ’twas nowhere to be found on teh youtubez. Nevertheless, it’s still the perfect music to cuddly to on this cold, snowy Missouri day.

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Tagged: youtube x-mas fsmas holidays observances harry potter the eagles please come home for christmas christmas

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Tagged: lol lolz lol cats teh internets dog canine rat terrier Jack Russell terrier Kaylee my furbabies holidays observances fsmas xmas christmas presents nipples

C’mon, it’s the Friday before a holiday weekend. Like you’re not screwing around.

moar funny pictures

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