I’m feeling too lazy to write anything substantial tonight, so instead I thought I’d honor fellow slackers – that is, musicians who reinvented previously recorded songs rather than come up with their new material. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – I love myself a good cover. I loaded up the 800+ MP3s in my Covers folder and set Creative to random, then threw in ten random Dylan covers for good measure (because no Dylan song can ever be performed the same way twice – just can’t happen!).

- K

Random Ten Covers

1 – Guns N’ Roses – Black Leather
2 – Type O Negative – Manic Depression
3 – Joan Baez – Pretty Boy Floyd
4 – Joe Cocker – The Letter
5 – Richie Havens – Let It Be
6 – Eve 6 – I Touch Myself
7 – The Black Crowes – Honky Tonk Women
8 – Me First & the Gimme Gimmes – Tomorrow
9 – Natalie Merchant – Sympathy for the Devil
10 – Diversion 4.0 – No One Else

Bonus: Random Ten Dylan Covers

1 – Tom O’Brien – Subterranean Homesick Blues
2 – Joan Osborne – My Back Pages
3 – String Cheese Incident – Tom Thumb’s Blues
4 – Social Distortion – Don’t Think Twice, It’s Allright
5 – Joan Baez – Forever Young
6 – Richie Havens – Lay Lady Lay
7 – Emmylou Harris – When I Paint My Masterpiece
8 – Peter, Paul & Mary – Don’t Think Twice, It’s Allright
9 – Mike Ness – Don’t Think Twice, It’s Allright
10 – Bryan Ferry – It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-30/
Filed under: Fluffy Stuff, Lists — Kelly @ November 30, 2005 8:28 pm

Atheists, set your DVRs: tomorrow night, ABC’s Wife Swap will feature none other than The Infidel Guy (Reginald Finley) and his equally heathen wife, Amber. Mr. Infidel will be swappin’ beyatches with a Pentecostal preacher from Michigan, and at least one of our religious swingers is guaranteed two weeks in hell.

Looks like ABC is a bit lax in updating their site (as of this writing, their “Next Episode” summary is stuck on last week’s show), but I have tomorrow’s show info on good authority – i.e., David Mills, author of Atheist Universe. I’m still kicking myself for missing Dateline’s recent partnership with Perverted Justice (in which our daring duo caught a rabbi trying to hook up with a 13-year-old boy) and the first of the two-part Trading Spouses God Warrior series – so now I’m recording everything anti-theist indiscriminately. Can’t be too safe, right?

Also of note: Carnival of The Godless 28 is up at the Evangelical Atheist, who’s next up on the roster to host God Or Not 3. Look for it on December 5^th.

- K

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-27/
Filed under: Religion, Entertainment — Kelly @ November 27, 2005 1:56 pm

I was just over at Feministe, where Jill posted a link to this mind-blowing NY Times story:

Rock and a Hard Place

By HARLAN COBEN
November 25, 2005

ON May 26, Senator Tom Coburn, Republican of Oklahoma, sponsored a resolution congratulating Carrie Underwood for winning the “American Idol” television program.

Last Friday, Senators Jon Corzine and Frank Lautenberg, Democrats of New Jersey, sponsored a resolution congratulating Bruce Springsteen on the 30th anniversary of his album “Born to Run.”

Guess which resolution got shot down by the party in power?

In the recent past, Senator Bill Frist, the Senate majority leader, has seen fit to sponsor resolutions recognizing “Sun Studio’s Contribution to the Birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” and commending the Grand Ole Opry on its 80th anniversary. There have been House and Senate resolutions congratulating or commending musicians, artists and athletes like Chris LeDoux (a rodeo champion and musician), Michael Campbell (a golfer from New Zealand) and Siegfried and Roy.

But no love for the Boss.

Senator Frist or one of his colleagues didn’t let the resolution come up for consideration. [...]

Love him or hate him, there can be little doubt of Bruce Springsteen’s contribution to culture and music. You can’t even fault the guy on the personal stuff. By all accounts, he is a good husband, father, man. Unlike many of his musical colleagues, he has never been involved in scandals or self-destructive binges: “No drug busts, no blood changes in Switzerland,” the singer Bono said. “No bad hair periods even in the 80′s.”

So why was he denied this honor?

That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Does anybody on either side of the political aisle really believe that the Springsteen resolution was turned down for any reason other than political payback for backing John Kerry?

Holy fucking shit.

Isn’t the more pressing question, “Don’t these fuckwads have anything more important to do!?”

Seriously.

A brief perusal of today’s headlines reveals a smorgasbord of pressing issues that beg for immediate attention: African girls, some as young as ten, are routinely sold – by their own parents! – to dirty old perverts for $16 or a cow; soon-to-be Supreme Court justice Scalito hates the First Amendment but adores unwanted fetuses; a 25-year-old teacher who boned her 14-year-old student “gets off” – literally – with a slap on the tush; and, months later, FEMA’s response to Hurricane Katrina remains laughable. Perhaps our esteemed Senators should tackle one of these problems rather than quibble over which celeb deserves a pat on the back for recording a catchy tune?

Our reps are inefficient enough as it is – they simply shouldn’t be allowed to waste their already thinly-stretched time on such trivialities. What significance does a resolution “commending the Grand Ole Opry on its 80th anniversary” really have, anyway? (For Chrissakes, it’s not like it’s even their 75th or 100th anniversary!)

And if these morons can’t even agree on something as inconsequential as whether The Boss deserves props for “Born to Run,” how the hell will they ever hammer out more critical agreements, such as legislation to balance the budget, rehabilitate those areas ravaged by Katrina, or help stem the tide of AIDS in developing nations?

Un-fucking-believable.

- K

He may have been Born in the USA,
but Springsteen is clearly a commie pinko fag traitor!

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-26/
Filed under: Politics, Crybabies — Kelly @ November 26, 2005 4:23 pm

No doubt, many of my readers are exhausted (if not comatose) after partaking in the bloodthirsty American spectacle that is Black Friday. Today, I was thinking of the hordes of shoppers, braving the biting cold and limb-numbing wind, just to snag a great deal on an imported laptop. Imagining the mayhem while I went on a brisk morning walk with the old man. While I leisurely strolled about the house, hanging a string of garland here and a stocking there. As I nodded off to sleep behind the tree while Shane tried in vain to coax a string of lights to regain their color, I thought, “Fuck, at least I’m not getting trampled on the cheap linoleum floor of the Sawgrass Mills Mall.” And I smiled contentedly as I grabbed an afternoon nap with my warm canines. I’ll be doing all my shopping online this year. Well, 98% of it. At least. Hell, most of my gifts are either purchased or earmarked. With free shipping, to boot. Sa-weet.

A bit of Black Friday trivia, courtesy of Snopes.com:

The day after Thanksgiving is the day millions of Americans, enjoying a rare Friday off (and a dearth of football games on television), head for the malls to inaugurate the Christmas shopping season. “Black Friday” (as it is known in the retail industry, supposedly because it’s the day retailers turn the corner and see their balance sheets move out of the red and into the black) is regularly cited as “the busiest shopping day of the year,” but although it may be the day the greatest number of holiday shoppers traipse through malls, it isn’t the biggest day of the year in terms of dollars spent. [...]

Sales figures spike on the day after Thanksgiving, drop sharply, then steadily increase throughout December. The result is that Black Friday generally ends up ranking as the fifth biggest sales day of the year at most (and sometimes less), behind the four days comprising the two weekends before Christmas. The day on which holiday sales peak varies depending upon which day of the week Christmas falls upon, but the highest sales day is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23.

Interesting. I always thought it was referred to as “Black Friday” because the time-limited closeout prices and crass commercialism of the holiday collude in a perfectly wicked fashion to bring out the darkest impulses in the frenzied shoppers. The hordes. The crushing stampedes. The carnage and all-out warfare. Nope, definitely not humanity’s finest hours. Perhaps I’m just being a wee bit cynical? Or not.

- K

Get up, you old bag! The Baby Jesus don’t like crybabies!

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-25/
Filed under: Holidays & Observances, Consumerism — Kelly @ November 25, 2005 11:43 pm

…between mouthfuls of cran-apple dumplings.

The world’s ugliest dog (for three years running) recently died at the ripe old age of 14. CNN has some footage of the dearly departed Sam, a rescued purebred Chinese crested hairless. Today I give thanks to Sam’s guardian, Susie Lockheed, who found a place in her home and her heart for such an old, ugly, and generally disagreeable canine (did I mention that Sam was blind, too?). She even had the stones to show her asshole of an ex the door after he was “repulsed” by the sheer ugliness of her new adoptee, so much so that he dumped Saint Susie. Don’t worry, girl, any “man” who’s intimidated by an ugly dog isn’t worth your time, anyway. If there’s one thing this sorry world could use, it’s more people like Susie Lockheed. I hope your first Tofurky Day without Sam isn’t too hard. Gah, I’m getting all teared up now. *Sigh*

I forgot to mention this one earlier, but PBS filmed a special on companion animal rescue in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. There are some video excerpts available online, and reruns are still playing. Check your local PBS station to find out when. (Then visit my Katrina Alerts page to find out how you can help. Months after the fact, I’m still adding updates at the rate of around two a week.)

The Farm Sanctuary turkeys give thanks to you. But only if you eat Tofurky today!

Last – but by no means least – go open up this funky Turkey Day e-card at MSN Greetings. Now. And make sure you’ve got the sound cranked – it’s totally worth it. From us to you.

- K

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-24/
Filed under: Animals, Current Events, Holidays & Observances, Hurricane Katrina — Kelly @ November 24, 2005 2:04 pm

Art or porn? You’ll be surprised.

Via Nerve.

- K (who scored a pitiful 4 out of 10)

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-23b/
Filed under: Fluffy Stuff, Sex, Interactive — Kelly @ November 23, 2005 11:49 pm

That’s right, I said homework. You can even use this reading assignment as an excuse to get away from your relatives tomorrow! You’re welcome.

Slate offers some instructions for starting your own town. It’s much easier than you’d think. So simple, in fact, that this American is a little disheartened (talk about cheapening the patriotic pastime of empire building). Hell, DISH bought a town with promises free satellite TV! Are we really such loose whores?

Props to actress and beaver brandisher Sharon Stone. Stone dropped a libel lawsuit against plastic surgeon Renato Calabria, whom allegedly told several tabloids that he’d given her a face-lift. (Not true. Well, supposedly.) Normally, this isn’t the sort of thing I’d see fit to sue over; after all, our court system is already overflowing with fecal-grade lawsuits, and besides, who’s to question the great American tradition of trash talking and grandstanding? So why are props in order? In exchange for dropping the suit, Stone required Calabria to volunteer at a non-profit she’s involve with, providing free surgery to kids with facial deformities. What a gal.

In other celeb news, Michael Jackson uses the ladies’ room. What’s that? Not surprised? Me either.

Wired claims that $5 gas is good for America. I concur. So don’t you dare whine about the high cost of gas to moi.

Across the pond, some researchers think that ever-increasing alcohol consumption can be linked to the sharp rise in mouth cancer in the UK. More specifically, pub-hoppers tend to binge drink so that they can get shit-faced and don their beer glasses by 11 PM, which is closing time England and Wales. Theory goes that an extension in pub hours will lead to leisurely drinking, and a corresponding decline in mouth cancer. Or perhaps that’s not the kind of news you want to hear right before you have to spend the day with your mother-in-law? Nyah-nyah-nyah!

Read all about how the FDA plays politics with women’s lives. And this sort of chain-jerking nonsense actually increases the need for abortions, people.

Ampersand of Alas (a blog) offers up some Wal-Mart/contraception humor.

Bob Woodward is a jackass.

More on Scalito:
From the NY Times: Alito Often Ruled for Religious Expression (11/21/05).
Bitch, Ph.D. has yet another good round of links, this time regarding Alito’s 1985 anti-abortion comments.
On the Supreme Suck-Up, Slate asks, “Is Judge Alito a man or a Meese?” (scroll down to the November 15 entry).
Another Slate entry, this one a tad bit older (what can I say? – clearly, I’ve been slackin’!), so the topic is Alito’s ruling re: spousal notification (“Isn’t That Spousal?”).

Finally, avoid the Black Friday crowds and do your x-mas shopping online:
Grist just put up a great Green Gift Giving Guide, and
Wired has the Ultimate Geek Gift Guide.

- K

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-23/
Filed under: Heap o’ Headlines — Kelly @ November 23, 2005 5:54 pm

Time for another link dump!
_____

First up is an article from the Christian Science Monitor (10/31/05). On the Supreme Court’s docket is Gonzales v. O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao Do Vegetal (UDV), which involves a 130-member religious sect’s use of “sacramental tea” in religious ceremonies. The tea contains hallucinogens, which is apparently the only way the cult’s leader can coerce his followers into believing such nonsense. Or maybe they’re more like Rastafarians and just formed the sect so they could do their doobies? Either way, the government is not happy – and atheists should be pissed, too. Seriously – why should we reward the Godidiots for their stupidity with an exemption from the nation’s drug laws?

The latest update I could find for this one is an article from last week’s The Jewish Advocate: “Jews back drug cult in Supreme Court case.” Hahaha! On a more serious note, here’s the subtitle: “Seen as John Roberts’ test of religious rights.” Nope, I’m not laughing anymore.
_____

Tom Cruise recently dropped his sister and fellow Scientology zealot as his publicist. Might Tom-Tom finally be coming to his senses?
_____

“Spiritual fervor” is invading the manly world of sports, reports the NY Times. How bad is it? Read this excerpt and tremble:

Marcus Borden, the coach in East Brunswick, New Jersey, resigned rather than stop participating in a player-initiated pregame prayer, as he was ordered to do by the district after parents complained. He returned after agreeing not to pray but is considering a legal challenge.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Do you really think God cared whether your team wins a fucking football match? Don’t you think He has better things to worry about? Besides, has the thought never crossed your narrow mind that He most likely frowns on the ass-slapping and other man-on-man action that’s a ritual part of your sport? More to the point – where the fuck do you get off, intimidating your players into adopting your silly superstitions even after their parents complained!? Asshole.
_____

And the fervor has caught on among college-age kids, too. Specifically, those enrolled in the U.S. Air Force Academy. Only, not all the proselytizees are fervent about the harassment they’ve been subjected to in the name of G-O-D.
_____

The Amish will be our downfall. But not if superstitious Asians have their way!
_____

The American evangelical movement and Israel have come together to raise money for a “theme park,” to be built in the so-called Holy Land. Talk about bastard unions.

The CSM reports:

Highlights may include a Holy Bible Garden, full of plants and trees mentioned in the New Testament, and equipped with quiet sites for reflection and prayer. A Sea of Galilee Amphitheater will overlook the mouth of the Jordan River and hold 1,500-2,000 worshippers. And the park will have a Christian Experience Auditorium and a Multimedia Center. The center would also feature an online broadcast center, which would give religious leaders an opportunity to address their followers back home, live, near the tranquil blue waters of the Sea of Galilee (which today is considered a lake).

Because using that money ($60 mil and counting) to feed the hungry or house the homeless would just be irresponsible.
_____

Irish Report on Sexual Abuse by Priests Stokes Outrage, reports the NY Times. Question: what fucktard of a parent actually leaves their yung’uns alone with priests and clergy anymore?
_____

The Dover debacle is over and done with – for the time being, at least – but this NY Times article deserves a looksee nonetheless.

The general gist:

For years, a lawyer for the Thomas More Law Center in Michigan visited school boards around the country searching for one willing to challenge evolution by teaching intelligent design, and to face a risky, high-profile trial.

But Richard Thompson, the former prosecutor who is president and chief counsel of the Thomas More Center, says its role is to use the courts "to change the culture" – and it well could depending on the outcome of the test case it finally found.

Another great American pastime – judge shopping.

And I thought conservatives and Godidiots disliked – nay, smited! – activist judges and courts? Oh, that’s right – only liberal activists are headed to hell. Activism is just fine and dandy as long as it’s in the name of Our Lord and Savior.
_____

In other matters of hypocrisy, the IRS hates politically active churches. Liberal ones, that is. Gay-bashing and pro-Bushie worshippers can keep on organizin’.

Just another great reason to yank all of their tax-exempt statuses – then the pricks can preach however they’d like. We’d really be doing them a favor, see?

Check out Diane Dees’ (of the MoJo blog) take on it, as well as this great piece from the LA Times.
_____

A genocidal Catholic priest – how quaint!
_____

From the CSM, "Danish editor tests right to violate Muslim taboos":

When Flemming Rose heard last month that Danish cartoonists were too afraid of Muslim militants to illustrate a new children’s biography of Islam’s Prophet Muhammad, he decided to put his nation’s famous tolerance to the test.

The cultural editor of Denmark’s largest newspaper, Jyllands-Posten, then recruited cartoonists to depict Islam’s Prophet Muhammad and published them in the paper.

Since then, thousands of Danish Muslims, whose religion strictly prohibits depictions of the prophet, have demonstrated in protest, though some have rallied in support of the paper, too.

Boo-hoo. Someone pass the babies a hanky.
_____

Penn to the Godidiots: THERE IS NO MUTHA-FUCKIN’ GOD!
_____

Tom Brokaw infiltrates the frightening world of the evangelical Christian – a world that is becoming increasingly political. Don’t read this one before bed, kiddies!
_____

While we’re on politics, Alito Gets Religion (God Help Him).
_____

In good news, Pastafarian prophet Bobby Henderson has received a book deal worth $80,000+. At least ID paid off for someone.

See:

Inside the Flying Spaghetti Monster Deal, from GalleyCat (11/1/05)

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to be released in February, from the Dummocrats (11/7/05)
_____

Well, I’m off to delete more FBI spam. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find an email from Agent Mulder hidden among all the criminal inquiries. If only (*swoon*).

- K

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-22b/
Filed under: Religion, Heap o’ Headlines — Kelly @ November 22, 2005 7:36 pm

I get so much spam that I’m pretty much oblivious to it at this point. But the last 24 hours has seen a hilarious round of virus-laden spam sent to my KC Freecycle accounts. Our local group has over 6000 members at this point, more than half of which are internet newbies. This, of course, makes the perfect breeding ground for viral spam.

So, according to the latest few hundred pieces of spam I’ve received, I visit illegal websites. Not only am I a pervert and/or criminal, but supposedly the FBI and CIA have some questions for me! As a result of their crack cybercrime investigations, our distinguished government agents have “logged my IP address on more than 30 illegal Websites.” Consequently, they have sent me a polite email with an attached list of questions that they would like me to answer (please). Just one question: what techtards actually fall for this crap!?

Now, if the FBI or CIA actually suspected me of some crime, would they, um, send me a goddamn email about it?! If they had questions for me, do you think they’d shoot me a few hundred emails and just hope that I’ll respond at my leisure? Or is it more likely that they’d bust down my front door, search warrant in hand, and drag me down to their offices in cuffs? Do you even need a brain stem to answer that?

It takes a special kind of moron to break into a cold sweat after finding this email in their inbox:

—– Original Message —–
From: Mail@fbi.gov
Sent: Monday, November 21, 2005 6:36 PM
Subject: You visit illegal websites

Dear Sir/Madam,

we have logged your IP-address on more than 30 illegal Websites.

Important:
Please answer our questions!
The list of questions are attached.

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison

*** Federal Bureau of Investigation -FBI-
*** 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220
*** Washington, DC 20535
*** phone: (202) 324-3000

And yet, there are morons among us who still believe in those Nigerian scams – even after being taken for a small fortune and debriefed by the cops. Now that’s special!

- K

Which Nigerian spammer are you?

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-22/
Filed under: Technology, Fluffy Stuff, Interactive — Kelly @ November 22, 2005 5:25 pm

Sorry for the brief leave of absence, my dear readers. I had my hands (fingers?) rather full with work last week – I had to edit, upload, format, and categorize a few hundred articles for work. To make matters worse, I was out of commission yesterday. Some doohickey on Shane’s motherboard had a meltdown, so he ran out to replace it. He came back with a souped up motherboard, along with plans to install it in my machine, and use my old board in his own Windows box. He usually sticks to Linux, you see, so he thought he’d give me the better Windows junk. What a guy, huh? Unfortunately, he never could get the new board to work, so I was sans computer all dreary day long. Not to mention, I’m stuck with the same old clunker today. And I suspect that he’ll kick me off as soon as he gets home tonight. *Sigh*

So, I guess I’d better get right to the point! Along with massive work overload, I also suffered from a weeklong bout of frenetic x-mas shopping in my spare time; I think the big wet globs of rain-snow on Wednesday made me panic. One day it’s 70 degrees out, and the next it’s snowing. Enough to send anyone into Merry Holiday Madness. On the bright side, most of my gifts are either pinpointed or purchased. Yeah!

I know it’s not yet Thanksgiving (the most genocidal of holidays!), but tonight I bring you some Monday Merriment. I’ve loaded up all my x-mas mp3s, and set Creative to random. Before you mock my musical taste, let me just say in my own defense that many of these songs are remnants from a few years ago, when I made my sappy ole Mom a few x-mas mixed CDs. Seriously!

X-Mas Pre-Season Random Ten

1 – Steven Curtis Chapman – Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
2 – Ella Fitzgerald – Good Morning Blues
3 – Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War is Over)
4 – The Kinks – Father Christmas
5 – Ray Charles – Christmas in My Heart
6 – Bob Rivers – I Am Santa Clause
7 – Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole & Dean Martin – What Child Is This/The Holly and the Ivy
8 – The Supremes – White Christmas
9 – Adam Sandler – The Hanukkah Song
10 – Sheryl Crow – Blue Christmas

More to come as I continue to contribute to the shameless commercialization of Jesus’ birthday!

- K

P.S. Speaking of God and money, apparently His warriors go for $870 a pop, final bid. Nope, Christian Soldiers don’t come cheap!

Originally posted @ www.kellygarbato.com/blog/2005-11-21/
Filed under: Holidays & Observances, Fluffy Stuff, Lists — Kelly @ November 21, 2005 6:53 pm